[A sannyasin says she that she is feeling very closed and cut off from everything and everybody around her — including the man she is living with.]

That moment comes to every relationship. It is part of life. Sooner or later the romance starts disappearing, and romance is such a thing that it cannot be very lasting. It is very exciting when it is there, but when it goes one feels completely closed. Because the opening was not yours — it was because of the romantic kick, the thrill that always comes when a relationship starts. Whenever you begin a relationship you are full of hope. All those hopes are false, but that doesn’t matter at that time. All those dreams are going to be shattered, but who bothers? Those dreams are beautiful and golden.

And when one is in a dream, one does not want to be awakened, because one thinks that one is being taken out of one’s beautiful world. But sooner or later the dream has to end; it cannot continue forever. No dream ever continues — that’s why it is called a dream.

In India we define truth as that which continues forever and forever and forever. The eternity of it is its essence. That which begins and ends is ‘maya’, a dream, an illusion.

So when every relationship starts it is beautiful, poetic. Then by and by the poetry is lost because you become acquainted with the other person and he becomes acquainted with you, so the novelty is gone; the sensation is no more there. There is nothing to explore; the exploration is over. Then you start travelling on the same track again and again and again, and that creates boredom. It becomes a sort of transcendental meditation. You repeat the same mantra again and again and again.

Nothing holds you awake so one starts falling asleep, closing. There is nothing to see so why open your eyes? There is nothing to experience any more, so why be open? The thrill is gone… the honeymoon is over. But only then something of meaning is possible.

So two possibilities open when a relationship dies, cools down. One possibility is that you change the partner. Then again you can live in the dream for a few days. But the problem will arise again, so that possibility is just postponing the problem, forcing it a little further ahead. It is not going to be solved that way. And that’s what’s going on in the West.

Choose the thrill part, the first beginning, only the honeymoon. But this becomes like a drifting. Many people will come into your life and you will drift and dream, and by and by you will see that those dreams have taken up your whole life and nothing has happened. One day one feels tremendously frustrated…. But that is the easiest approach.

In the East we think in another way. We think that when a relationship cools down, that is the moment for a real relationship to start. But then the relationship will be of prose, not of poetry. It will be of the earth, and not abstract and of the sky.

One needs to have courage to go through this process. As the first phase has gone, the second will also go, remember. Because whatsoever happens here is just a passing phase. If I had told you in the beginning that this dream will end, you would not have listened to me. You would say ‘How?’ No lover listens. And the person who says that, looks like an enemy. But now I tell you it has gone. The second stage will also go if you persist in the relationship.

If two lovers are not allowed to meet, the first phase will never end. So the most fortunate lovers are those who are not allowed in some way or other to meet. Their first phase continues because there is nothing to shatter their dream-life so they can go on fantasising. Once you meet with the person, you have to walk on the earth.

One day or other you will have to come back to earth. Dreams cannot be your nourishment; real nourishment is needed. The second phase also passes but it is very difficult to pass through it. It is very easy to pass through the first because nothing is a demand; it is not a challenge. In fact you would like to cling to it. Now the second will give you a great challenge. It will repel you. It will force you in every way to drop out of the relationship, to change the partner and to again fall into a dream. That’s the whole trick of the mind. But I would like you to stick to the relationship.

Always remember that pain is a great awakener and pleasure is a tranquilliser. Suffering helps more than all the happiness put together.

A single moment of suffering is more valuable than the whole of a life of smug pleasure and comfort and convenience. Why? Because you want to cling to pleasure. With suffering you are thrown off. You would like to run away from the whole thing, to escape somewhere. But if you stick, a certain integration will happen to you.

In that very sticking to it, standing there and not escaping or running away, but facing it, you will become strong. For the first time the soul will arise in you. You will feel that something has settled. You are no more just parts. All the parts have fallen into place and they make a pattern.

Gurdjieff used to call this the real birth of the ego. Before it you have many egos, many ‘I’s’, but not a single ‘I’. Whenever a person is ready to face a suffering which always comes after a dream is shattered, then that suffering is tremendously valuable. But you cannot see it right now.

If you pass through it you accept it as a part. You lived in the dream, now who is going to live when the dream is broken? You have to live that too. You lived in the palace, now live in the ruins — because every palace sooner or later is going to become a ruin. And the sooner it does, the better, because then the challenge arises. So this is a great challenge for you.

Pass through it. Accept this too. Sometimes the terrain is very rough, and sometimes climbing a mountain is very dangerous, sometimes there are sad moments and unhappinesses, and sheer boredom, but all that is life. And one has to live it through all those dimensions.

So the easier way is to get out of the relationship. Soon you will start dreaming about somebody else….

When people’s love affairs are going well, they’re very open to me also. But they are not open to me — they are simply open to love and the dream. In that dream they dream they are open to me. When their love affair is finished, they also feel closed to me, because they were never open.

But meditate over it. If you think that there is no problem between you and [your boyfriend] and if you feel closed to me, then it is not very difficult; something can be done. But first you have to decide whether it is between you and me… because I don’t see it that way.

You are projecting it as being between you and me so that you can save [your boyfriend] and your relationship. You are trying to divert your mind. So rather than becoming angry at your dreams, you may become angry with the meditations. But you are throwing the whole burden on them, which is not true; it is just an excuse.

And this goes on the whole life. We never exactly pinpoint the cause. That’s how misery goes on growing. Once rightly diagnosed, ninety-nine percent of the problem disappears immediately. In the very finding of the right diagnosis, the problem disappears.

[Osho told her to think about it for seven days. He said that he felt that neither of them wanted to be the one to say that the romance had ended and that women particularly will never take the initiative. They wait for the man to start a relationship and to end it so that then they can throw the responsibility on him.

The sannyasin, close to tears, said that she felt their relationship had begun to deteriorate when they had had to live in the same room with another couple for several weeks. They had had little privacy, and though she knew it must be a situation they had been given to work through, she still felt resentful about it.]

Again you are finding an excuse. What kind of love relationship is this if you cannot tolerate living in a room with two other persons for one month! Then it is all hocus-pocus. If nothing else, you can find the room to blame, but it is always something else that is causing trouble for your relationship. If it was a real love relationship, if it had really been there, it would have grown even more and would have gone deeper because hunger always creates appetite.

Think about it for seven days and then tell me. But if you think that this ashram and living here is causing some problem for your love relationship, then I am always for love. Forget this ashram completely and be anywhere you like. Mm? Think about it again.

[Osho had suggested that one of the ashram editors talk with the publishers of some indian magazines with a view to having them review some books. Tonight he encouraged her to go, saying that the only problem was that she was a performer and wanted to impress people, and there was no need to. If they were interested, good. If not, that was their loss.]

Always remember, all human beings are the same. Somebody is an editor, somebody is a politician, somebody is a rich man. What is the difference? A rich man is a man who has money. You will not be afraid of a pile of rupees; you will not be afraid of them. You will not be afraid of the man if he is a beggar. Now the beggar plus money and you are afraid! What are you doing? You are not afraid of the money and you are not afraid of the beggar, but once you come to know that the beggar has money, you become afraid. You are not afraid of the beggar but if he stands in an election and becomes a prime minister, you are afraid because now he has plus votes…

You want to impress him. That creates the whole trouble.

Somebody asked Churchill, ‘You deliver such beautiful speeches. How did you come to know the art?’

He said, ‘There is no art in it. At first I used to be very much afraid… and then I asked an old colleague and he said “Don’t be afraid. Before you start, when you are standing in front of the audience, simply look around and say to yourself that so many fools have come today (laughter) — and then you start”.’ Who wants to impress fools?

Don’t rehearse… simply go. And whenever you feel like screaming, just hold my locket so I will see to it that it doesn’t come out in wrong places (chuckling). But one has to go through the fear otherwise you will become more and more afraid, and that becomes a cancer. If I say don’t go, you will feel guilty that there was certain work to do and you were not capable of doing it. So simply go and pass through it.

You can repeat this churchill formula — that you are talking to a great fool — and then start talking! Then you will start enjoying it and laughing too. Or you can write on a slip of paper ‘This man is a fool’, so whenever you feel that you are getting nervous, take it out, read it, and put it back (laughter). That will help.

[The sannyasin has also written to Osho that she felt a little lonely and wondered whether she should move into a love relationship.

Osho said that this was the nature of the mind — to never be happy with what is. When one is alone, one thinks how good it would be to be with someone, and when one is in a relationship, one pines to be alone. The mind is never satisfied…. ]

This is my effort here — to make you aware. That’s why I give you so many situations. Sometimes I force you to be alone and sometimes I force you to be together with someone. Sometimes if you are not moving in a love affair, I will almost push you into one. Sometimes I will pull you out. It is just to give you many situations in which you can see how the mind functions, how the mechanism functions.

The mind is discontent with everything that is. If you become aware of that, you will start working in a different direction. Whatsoever is, be content with it, and then the mind disappears.

Contentment is a great meditation to help the mind disappear. Whatsoever is, be content with it. Sometimes when you are alone, be content with that and enjoy that moment, because you will hanker for it when there is a relationship. Feel blessed that this moment is there, because sooner or later somebody is going to disturb it. There are fools and fools — somebody will come and start an affair.

Before he comes, enjoy this peace, this silence, this freedom of being yourself. There is no need to compromise. There is nobody to hamper your space; enjoy it. And when somebody happens and you feel an appetite to be in a relationship, be in a relationship. But then enjoy the passion and the fever, the excitement. Enjoy the situation that love brings; the pain, the pleasure. Because sooner or later it will disappear and you will be alone again. Before it disappears, have the taste of it totally.

Love and aloneness go on happening like day and night. You have to enjoy every situation. And don’t be too much in the mind, otherwise it will poison you. Just keep a little aloof. Forget what has gone; it has gone! It is no more. And don’t be too concerned with what is going to happen; remain with what is happening, and enjoy this moment before it flies, because it is already on the wing. It will not be there if you miss it and it cannot be repeated again.

[She asked Osho how one should go about making a lover out of a friend. Osho said that the particular person she had in mind was still suffering from a former relationship so he was very wary of getting involved again. He said that she should settle for just being friends and to hope for the best.]

It may grow into love, it may not, but friendship is good in itself. And one never knows, when he becomes a lover you may miss his friendship and you will think ‘Why did I destroy the friendship?’

Friendship has its own beauty, and if you can enjoy it, it is better than a love affair. A love affair is always jumpy. There are moments of happiness but they are few and far between. There are also many miserable moments. A friendship is a more solid thing; moves on. plainer ground. Friendship has a deeper equilibrium than love.

In the Vedas there is a sutra: Madbyam Abhyam — ‘The one who is in the middle need not be afraid of anything.’ The middle is beyond fear. The middle means the balanced and love is not balanced. Friendship is balanced… love is an extreme. Friendship is a very very delicate middle, a very peaceful affair. So don’t be in a hurry. Just cherish each moment as it comes.

— OSHO [Beloved of My Heart Chapter 20 – Pain is a Great Awakener (22 May 1976 pm in Chuang Tzu Auditorium) ]

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